Our son had a son
They both have your soulful eyes
And our grandson has his mom’s dark hair and easiness
I wish you were here to hold him
And sing to him with your whole heart
Or just watch his delightful squirming and cooing sleep.
I wish you were here to hold me,
Because being with him is both breaking me and making me
Want to stay.
Once you told me the goal of life is to keep the lift in the heart
while embracing unbearable aches and pains
To go on and on through everything.
After you, before him
I had these long stretches of killing time
Now, I have long stretches of loving him
Of feeling my purpose swell
Of wondering if, like our boy,
he will be a shy wonder who loves iced tea, sea shells and science.
The years will reveal him
But for now
I look at him I see the best of all of us and you a thousand times.
He has found his thumb, self-comforting at a month
Like you, he asks for little and gives much
Maybe you are still hovering by; it hasn’t been that long
Or you got recycled into a bird or a tree which his mom believes possible
Or you’re just in the air, because
When I hold him and say your name, he really perks up
Today, I said it again and he smiled his first real smile
And I cried happy tears on his forehead that I wonder if he will remember it as rain.
Beautiful with its juxtaposition of heartache and love…it is life.
Thank you. That’s exactly it, too. So many times — in my life and others, I’ve seen the heartache and the joy fused.