I wish I had been the first woman to land in your heart
Like an explorer on Mars, I would have been gentle and kind
Picking up after myself, doing no harm
Marveling to be the first to walk your surface
For awhile, I would not have even claimed it as my own
For the same reason my cat does not have a collar
She lives with me, but I do not own her, really.
There have been too many flags planted in your heart
Too many attempts to colonize you
To take more than give
I was trying to bring you joy
And you thought I was scheming
Although it is too late for me to be a gold digger and besides
I have my own gold.
That was then, this is me, I say
I am over her, you throw back and in my head, I insert ‘not’
And admire my natural nails and calm absence
I am there and not
Daydreaming beats taking heat for a fire I didn’t start
And we have reached the point where your explanations need explanations
So I don’t point out that you called me her name twice
Or that I’m not even mad about it
You’ve been choosing the same woman for years
With the original still tangled in your hair
And expecting a different ending
Unluckily for us, the mess comes back and
Unluckily for you, one woman turned into two bad decades.
You suddenly grew mellow again, but underneath the surface, I felt frantic paddling
I looked at where my watch would be if I wore one
And smiled back at you with tentative wonder
Hoping you wouldn’t be suspicious of that too.
I wish there was a magic eraser for the heart
A forgetting machine
A time limit for holding onto wrongdoings
So I could get a fresh hand
That you’d hit reset. Do Over. Just walk up to the edge and jump
Back to the innocence I miss so much.