Love and History

Been trying to figure out my love story lately. That thing you say when a new guy asks you to tick off lovers past and why it’s his turn now.

For brevity, I tend to go with an elevator story versus a long ramble that takes up half the date.

I married my first love young. We divorced after eight years and one child. I’ve had lovers since who didn’t work out and I’m still trying.

Not much there, and it looks like I’m hiding something, but what else do you ever really need to say about relationships that have gone bust?

History was never my favorite subject anyway. Not overly concerned about yesterday, so keeping track of it hardly ever occurs to me. Once a teacher tried to hook me by saying it was important to learn lessons past so they didn’t repeat, blah, blah, blah, and I get that on a theoretical level, but my motto swings more towards investment brochure lingo, “Past performance does not dictate future results.” I.E., forget history—take all the shots that feel right.

Too, the bigger the “history” share, the greater the odds it will ping an ex trigger and cause him to think he’s already seen that movie and I want a fair shot. Not a compare-and-contrast or opportunity for him to take aim at me for something I didn’t do.

I want to treat New Guy brand new too, so I don’t ask about his leading ladies or what plot played out for them (comedy, drama, horror). It’s a given he’s had women wondering around his heart and comes with failed-relationship baggage and woman wounds—the one who nagged, the one who cheated, the one who took his money or his kids, the one who left him for his best friend—but can we save that heavy dump for later please?

What a buzz-kill when that man, that one I thought wanted to get to know me, wants to swap ex bios, and if a huge chunk of time was spent rehashing other people, does it count as a date or therapy?

So, let’s start fresh today with you and me, I suggest, which sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t if they are dragging around too many ghosts of loved ones past.

It may be impossible to completely avoid interview, interrogation and tell-all New Guy dates, but over the years, I have developed a list of slow-reveal getting-to-know-you prompts designed to promote ex-free conversation that doesn’t drive either of us crazy, listed below, in no particular order.

1. What’s left on our bucket lists (Sometimes this almost beats kissing)
2. Friends (Except for the exes or secret crushes)
3. Hobbies and dreams (The biggies that get us out of bed in the morning.)
4. Favorite recipes. (Does he make his guacamole from scratch too and how often?)

So much more interesting than batting around exes, and if New Guy plays along, good things usually follow.